The Not-So-Random Thoughts of a Healing Warrior

  Most of my adult life has been about me: my career, my health, and my universe. My health situation, in particular, made it very challenging to see life beyond my parameters. I've always believed that you come first and need to be well and in an excellent place to help others. The concept didn't change, but how I perceived its meaning did. Life has given me a complex, memorable lesson: I have the tiniest control over the events in my life. But I do have control over how I react to them. I recently decided to stop pursuing doctors and medical procedures to "fix" my health issue and to adapt to the current situation and live with it. To expand my horizons and go beyond myself. To help people going through challenging times, who may be lost, unsupported, or misguided like I once was. A few things have been taken from me, but I've been given way more. I found hope and light in my deepest and darkest moments, but I wasn't on my own. I've had exceptional peopl...

I'm always in pain. From 2015 onwards, I can barely remember a period when I was pain-free.  Yes, it has levels, so on a good day, it's three or four, and on a bad one, it's at eleven.  Most medications aren't as effective as they once were, and I'm "trying" to stay away from the heavy stuff because of the dark addiction side of it. Yet it's still so tempting. I know that it's a very temporary fix for a long-term problem, but sometimes I need a brake. Nevertheless, I didn't forget how it felt being so addicted to painkillers and justifying reasons to take more or up the dose. They tell me I'm brave and strong for enduring all of this, but I'm not, and if somehow I am, I don't want to be anymore. What's the return policy here? My appetite goes more than it comes. I've lost over twelve kilograms in the past few years, and they don't want to return. So, what are my options? What's next? While the doctors are yet to figu...

  I couldn't sleep. Not sure if it's the clash of thoughts in my head, Or was it the pill I took, or something different instead? It's been a few minutes, yet it feels too long. Stuck in a loop, playing the same old sad song. Trapped in a prison of my own body with nowhere to go. Locked in with no door or key, just a damn bleeding window. I say that it's okay, that I'll be fine. It doesn't hurt that much. Don't worry; it's only when I breathe that I feel as such. Constantly fighting in this prolonged battle, pretending to be tough. Wondering when I'll throw the towel because I've really had enough. I try to convince myself that it will be better tomorrow, and tomorrow becomes years. I was left there holding my breath, with scars, sorrow, and a river of dried-out tears. It's such a battle to focus on; I'm unsure how to explain it. Words seem to escape me, left with chaos rotting in my brain. I attempt to find an outlet, some way to cope an...

As I lay in bed, I found myself crying from a pain that made me think about dying though the thought of death seems temporarily satisfying, and how an eternal painless sleep sounds very gratifying  Yet, it's not true. I know that I would be lying. I want to live long, happy, and be smiling, but fate has other plans; that I'm realizing. Can I reach that dream, or am I simply fantasizing? I know I have many great things; there's no denying that I am truly blessed to be loved as it keeps multiplying. Maybe someday soon, only tears of joy; I'll be crying.